The talking out loud started during adolescence, I was still living with my parents and recall the exact moment it happened, I was watching tv and said something out loud and it just continued. I still think I’m predisposed to a neurodevelopmental / psychiatric disorders and the hormonal changes triggered it.
I don’t have hallucinations, delusions or at least I don’t think it’s psychosis. I have real or imagined conversations, it’s like a movie plot unfolding in my head, sometimes I have rapid thoughts as though someone is flicking through the tv channels. Other times I ruminate and run through conversations I wish I’d had. A lot of the times though they are completely made up, random scenarios. I might for example pretend to be a therapist talking about me, other times I pretend I’m someone famous and important. The thoughts (daydreams) tend to be very vivid and coincide with a shift in mood, I experience actual emotions, so for example an angry thought causes an actual angry reaction, I usually pace and talk all over the house.
If my hubby or kids interrupt me suddenly I get really annoyed, mostly though I suppress this behaviour when someone walks in on me. When I have people over at my place or when I leave the house I suppress it, although lately my guard has started to slip, I do it whilst driving too. I find when I suppress the fleeting thoughts, it carries on in my head and makes me grimace, which people sometimes notice and point it out. The fleeting thoughts come out in conversation too, I jump from one topic to another and feel a compulsive urge to speak. When I was a beauty therapist I would talk non stop, I noticed other therapists worked quietly (at college when I was a student for example).
I also would interrupt lectures when I was at university, None of the other students did that, I’m actually surprised I never got a telling off from my tutors, again it was a compulsive urge to ask questions throughout lectures. I cringe when I think back!
In social situations, there are times when I can be sociable but on the whole I struggle, the more people the more I struggle, I prefer one to one interactions. I find it easier to be a host, being a guest is difficult for me. When I’m at home, I tend to stay in the kitchen and fade into the background, when I’m out of the home, it’s not possible to disappear to my room so I remain seated and shut down.
(I have a lot of other problems too: social anxiety, depression, mood swings, impaired cognition, poor concentration, disorientation which affect my daily functioning, currently I’m not working, I’ve become reclusive and leave the house only when I need to, I’ve also been avoiding people/ social situations and find it easier just to stay home as normal everyday things have become difficult to do).
I talk to myself 