I have been talking to myself since I was a teenager (it just started spontaneously), and at the age of 41 , I still don’t know exactly what is causing this disruptive behaviour.
Back in 1995 at 16 years of age, I looked up psychiatric disorders in a medical encyclopaedia at the school library, frantically trying to pinpoint a possible cause, the closest I got was schizophrenia.
I didn’t mention to my parents, they wouldn’t have understood and most likely would have been brushed under the carpet (they were very inattentive parents). Also I felt embarrassed, didn’t have that closeness with them, my mother would have said, “no one will marry you!”, so it just festered .
I was old enough to speak to my GP alone so made an appointment and explained the talking to her, I even asked if it was schizophrenia, she was very dismissive and said “NO!”, it’s just coping mechanism with a wave of her hand.
I felt as though I’d come to a dead end, so the secretive behaviour continued, I actually thought she would prescribe a pill to make it stop.
I lived with my parents and siblings, they knew about it but no one ever brought it up. I would spend hours of my day having conversations by myself, I still do, in fact its gotten worse with age, I’ve lost my life to it. I have spent more time alone talking to myself than with family, It’s just not normal to me and actually causes me a great deal of distress, for some family members who are aware, it’s a source of amusement.
My late paternal grandmother had dementia, as a child I recall her muttering and chucking to herself. I then noticed my father doing the same, when I started doing it, I realised it was heredity. My grandmother was reclusive and socially inept, my father is the same, I also have gone through the motions of life but haven’t really lived. I honestly believe my father is heading for dementia and I’m the worst I’ve ever been, so out of sorts and detached from everything around me.
I recently learned my paternal cousins talk to themselves too, one has a diagnosis for schizophrenia, the second doesn’t see it as a problem (she doesn’t want to be “certified”), the third cousin never mentioned to me in all these years, she opened up when I asked her about it, that just confirms to me it’s in the genes. It could actually be a negative symptom of schizophrenia!
The problems have been there from childhood, As a child I was socially awkward, self conscious, sensitive and ill at ease with my peers. My fearful upbringing didn’t help, although there was no abuse or trauma.
I struggled to make and maintain friendships, tagged along with a group of girls up until junior school (year 6), at high school and college I only had 1 friend, at university I didn’t make any friends.
I recall burning bridges throughout my academic and work life, I’ve done very little work, in fact I’ve never had a full time job / salary. I graduated in 2014 , my degree was a waste, the social anxiety won’t let me hold down a 9-5 job.
I was a beauty therapist for a while, completed many courses but never actually put them to use, people who started out after me , got ahead, I never made my mark.
To be continued…
I talk to myself 